Casual Self Harm
I’m attempting a SWOT analysis for service management. I need an extension. I can’t do it. I can’t even concentrate. I’m feeling very low. I want to slice my wrists open. I think people know, they don’t seem to be leaving me alone. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I’m not crying yet. How can I be crushingly suicidal and not cry? Maybe I’m not feeling anything. Yes I am, I’m feeling soul-numbing pain. That’s why I’m not crying. I told you I wouldn’t be editing this blog. If you don’t want to know these things, don’t read it. This is how I feel. It will pass one way or another. This is my second day in this mood, so on the plus side I may have finished rapid cycling.
I’m told I shouldn’t drink. Oops. I just don’t want to be me anymore. Give me a way out. I’m a good girl; I take my meds, I go to my psych appointments and counselling and everything, I don’t drink too much, I don’t do drugs, I don’t even smoke. I do what I can and it’s still not enough. Except I’m drinking tonight. I’m so unbelieveably uninspired. I can’t thing what to write about. Although to be honest I can barely think. The curling up may happen soon. The wrist slicing may happen soon. Even if it’s just a bit of casual self harm. I’ve called this blog casual self harm not only because I feel like doing it, but because I’m still hung up on the sterile nature of the phrasing. My arms are full of little scars. They’ll have some bigger ones soon, when the latest cuts heal up. Oh God, I just can’t do anything.
Wednesday 12 March 2008 at 3:31 am
I’m really sorry you’re feeling so bad right now (I know, it helps nothing for me saying that…)I don’t want to make it seem like I know exactly what you’re going through, but I can relate, especially with feeling a painful sort of numbness, which brings out the worst in me really. I’ve done terrible things to myself when feeling like that. I really hope these feelings pass soon for you…
Wednesday 12 March 2008 at 7:39 am
sorry to hear things are so bad – but I’m glad you are writing about it because hopefully that lets you vent a bit.
really hope you can stay away from the self-harm and that the day improves.
wishing you well
Wednesday 12 March 2008 at 11:10 am
Aww that sucks hunni, it gets better (my fingers are crossed- and I’m not actually sure who I am trying to convince! Be strong, you can get through this, people underestimate the energy and courage it sometimes takes to uncurl yourself from that ball and do things.
Crying is a tough one, I either go for months without crying or become a blubbering mess, I was always told that crying was a bad thing (I know now it’s not true) but sometimes when you feel really crappy it’s the one thing you want to be able to do but can’t. Frustrating this whole life thing isn’t it? Especially when moods are being wonky.
On an end point, hope you didn’t use the blades.
Step away from the razor blades, step away, can you hear me????, step away!
lol….hope it got through! Take care Kx
Wednesday 12 March 2008 at 11:38 am
Thanks everyone. My mood is building fast today. Now it’s just a case of trying to keep a cap on it so I don’t go too far up. Hugs xx
Monday 24 March 2008 at 10:15 pm
I just want to say. That for the past 25 years Ive been dealing with stuff I did and saw in Beruit Leb. I have been asked on more than one occassion to look tothe lord for the help need. but havnt yet. I couldnt see the point to do this but this Easter I heard the sermons from a different light. It all seemed to make sense. and most of all I think I can feel to some extent how he felt on that cross. needing to be there for everyone and not feeling like hes making a difference. he did die for our sins and the real point is he did it for us not just UUUUSSSSS but specifically you and me. I cant believe for a minute that your in any way shape or form a bad person. But likesome of usust alittle confused at timesabout what we are here for.
god and Christ love you and so do so many others your not aware of. just live for yourself and answers will come to the questions you might have. But be sure you know that they come in his time and not your because his time is your time.