The Perfect Defect

Well.  Gibraltar was a very mixed experience.  It has helped me come to some conclusions regarding my mental state and my medication and what have you.  There are pictures, so read more if you feel like it. Continue reading ‘Gibraltar’

… am back from sunny Gibraltar and will post properly soon.  Just wanted to say hi.

Mantras

Everyone has their own.  These are some of mine, although their usage varies with my levels of disillusionment, hatred and general atheism.

It’s gonna go away
It’s gonna go away
It’s gonna go away

The Serenity Prayer

God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you’re worried about something
then do something about it.
If you can’t, then don’t worry about it. 

I didn’t get up to Beachy Head today.  My sister stole my car.  I’m not suicidal, only fantasising.  I intend to attempt to sleep this mood off, so we’ll see how that goes.  I have phoned the mental health team to chase up my appointment.  Maybe I’ll get one soonish.  I don’t think I’m particularly high priority since I lied and told the I was doing fine and very stable.  Oops.

In other news, I’ve booked my trip to Gibraltar.  It’s costing £135 for four days.  Luckily I get free accommodation, what with my friend living there and all.  So I’m off a week tomorrow.  I’ll get pictures.

I’d be long dead.  Pull the trigger and it’s done.  It’s that plunge moment.  The second before you step off the cliff.  I live 4 miles from Beachy Head.  Known locally, and colloquially, as Lemming Point.  It’s such a temptation.  So easy.  Instant death on the rocks.  Sounds almost like a cocktail.  Perhaps it’ll be spiked with a little darvon…  Although I’m told there’s a payphone at the bottom in case you don’t die, which is slightly… off putting.  So yeah, I have suicide on the brain again.  I’m just fantasising at the moment.  Hoping it won’t get worse.  If I was to take my own advice, this is about the time I should be telling people how I’m feeling and getting help.  The rational part of me, the bit that wants to live, is yelling at me to go talk to someone.  It’s hard though isn’t it.  What do you say?  Hello mother, I want to jump off a cliff.  Help.  All they could do would be take my car keys away and ask lots of awkward questions.  God knows when my next psych appointment is.  I don’t even know where I’m registered; Canterbury or Eastbourne.  I don’t have a CPN anymore.  I don’t that it would help if I did.  What are they supposed to do?  No one’s ever tried to stop me killing myself.  I tend to not tell people, what with not wanting interference and all.  I’m thinking I’ll go up to Beachy Head tomorrow. I want to take a picture of the view over the edge.  And maybe it’ll discourage my suicidal fantasies.  Maybe.

I think I might be the black sheep of the family.  Although in my family, that’s not hard. They’re all a little on the saintly side. Two of my uncles are vicars, so have very religious wives and kids. All my other cousins are success stories and do things like travel round the world after having worked their arses off to pay for it. I’m not sure I could manage travelling round the world. Especially at the moment. Imagine being depressed as hell in a tent in Thailand. It’s just not practical. Imagine being manic in China. I’d probably do something stupid and get myself arrested.  I’d like to go somewhere.  I’m still intending to go to Gibraltar at some point.  We’re looking at the end of this month to go out, but who knows if it’ll actually happen.  These things rarely do.  I suppose my little sister might be my joint black sheep, with all her cutting, drinking and bipolarness.

People have been getting their exam results over the last few days.  I haven’t taken my exams yet, what with deferring them and all, so no results.  Well…  I’ve got some from the modules that were exam free.  I got 46% on one (because I was very manic and didn’t do an essay, otherwise I averaged at 70%) and 53% on my dissertation.  Which is OK I guess, considering the lack of effort that went into it.  I left too much to the last minute.  Or month.  Either way, not enough time.  I think I did OK in the coursework for the other modules.  It sucks though.  Last year I scraped a first with virtually no effort.  This year my mood swings decide to go completely mental leaving me a quivering wreck of a human being unable to make it out of the house, let alone write a decent essay on why good service needs to be provided, let alone care.  The moods where there last year, without question, but I sort of managed to hold it together.  I was cycling slower which made life easier.  Although I didn’t know it then.  The point is I know I can do so much better than I have and it sucks that I just wasn’t able to.  I’m wondering about retaking the year.  It’s going to take a lot of wondering.

I’m still bruised from the needle I had in my wrist in hospital.  I’m pretty sure it should have gone by now.  There’s nothing visible, it just hurts if I poke it.  Simple solution: don’t poke it.

What To Do If You Find Youself Getting Depressed

1.  Talk to someone.  Make them aware of how you’re feeling so that they can help you to prevent yourself from getting any lower. 

2.  Consult your list of numbers to call.  If you’re more than a bit depressed it might be worth calling your CPN (or equivilent) for an appointment.

3.  Make preparations in case you get lower.  Cook some meals and freeze them to keep yourself eating.  Try and get as much washing done so that getting dressed is easier.  Basic things to help you function.

4.  Try to lift your mood by doing things you like.
  -  watch a film
  -  go for a walk or play badminton or something (also releases endorphins)
  -  read
  -  baking
  -  go and see a close friend
  -  go shopping
  -  do something creative like playing an instrument or painting

5.  Reduce stress
  -  get extensions on bits of coursework
  -  make arrangements to have library books for longer
  -  make sure your boss and colleagues are aware of the situation so that they don’t put any added pressure on you.  Easier said than done, I know, but it’s better to try than just leave it.
  -  don’t do too much cleaning or washing up.  Make sure it’s shared equally.
  -  don’t be a destressor for other people.  They know you care, but you’re not the best person for them to talk to at the moment.  They know you’d be there for them if you were able to.  Don’t feel guilty.

6.  If you have the Bilpoar Survival Guide (see the resources section), read chapter ten.

7.  Remove weapons (i.e. razor blades, ropes, etc.) and any medications that aren’t completely necessary (e.g. antihistamines, paracetemol, old medications, etc.).

8.  Keep up with your mood chart.  If you have a pattern it will help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or at least work out how far away it is.

9.  Remember you’re bipolar.  It will go away.

10.  Repeat mantras in your head, e.g. ”it’s gonna go away, it’s gonna go away, it’s gonna go away” (list to follow in The Toolbox - Episode Three).

And keep taking those pills.

My housemate is getting married in a couple of weeks.  I’ve just bought him and his fiancee a box of forks.  How ridiculous is that.  They have a convenient gift list with John Lewis which means I can just click and pay and don’t even have to worry about wrapping the damn things up.  Got my shoes, got my dress, I’m ready to go.  I’m bizarrely organised.  Oh no wait, still need a bag.  I think I might get them something a little bit more thought through and sentimental.  Forks.  Impersonal.

It’s funny that we’ve suddenly become grown ups with jobs, families and futures.  I say ‘we’…  I mean everyone except me.  I have been deemed utterly unstable and incapable of having anything more than a part time job in a shop or something.  There’s some question as to whether I could manage that without screaming at the customers and breaking down completely or ending up running around like a lunatic claiming that I know more about the running of businesses than the managers and trying to force them to accept my suggestions as they are clearly brilliant.  Both have happened.

I’ve been a bit down over the past few days.  More than a bit.  Down enough for it to take me half an hour to put my socks on, but not so down that I don’t get round to putting socks on.  Down enough for it to take most of the day to write this post.  It’ll probably run into tomorrow and then I’ll post it as if it was that day’s post and pretend I’m still a fully functioning human being.  I cried yesterday.  I haven’t cried in a long time.  Feels like months.  I’m doing my absolute best to keep this covered.  No one needs to know.  If they know they’ll panic and think I’m going to try killing myself again.  I don’t get suicidal every time I get down.  I’m dreading this being rapid cycling again.  My least favourite aspect of manic depression.

Petrol is expensive.  I’ve put £50 in my car over the last week, although it has been used a lot.  I know I sometimes blather on about inane things.  Humour me.  It’s my attempt to hang on to normality.  Banal things remind me that life doesn’t have to revolve around my state of mind.  They remind me that I am not defined by manic depression.  My behaviours may be shaped by it, but my personality remains the same.  I think on some level I’m still convinced there’s nothing wrong with me.  It’s the same part of me that doesn’t want to take the drugs, the part that refuses to believe that they could work.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m normally quite good at taking them.  I’ll always give them a chance.  Of course if they stop working or don’t work as well as I want them to then I tend to get a bit disillusioned with the whole concept of psychotropic drugs having any effect whatsoever.  I get convinced that they’re all placebos.  My favourite quote of the moment is “often does hatred hurt itself.”  You get low, hate yourself, stop taking the drugs and end up worse.  Admittedly I’m quoting Gandalf, but the point stands.  Maybe a little too literally in the case of self harm.

Incidentally, it is tomorrow now.  But I’m functioning slightly better.

I have recently begun to piece together all the random bits of advice that have been flung at me from various quarters and attempt to create something useful out of them.  I have called it The Toolbox.  What I’ve come up with so far is a series of lists like the one below. They’re kind of “What to do in X situation” checklists that aim to help me to avoid the extreme highs and lows. I hope they can be useful to other people too.  The series begins below with a list of things to do before you start getting down.  This is not what to do once you’ve started dipping.  That one is to follow.

What To Do Before You Start Getting Depressed

1. Take the pills.  Gabriel’s edit:  include vitamins B6, C, D and E.  I’d like to add omega 3 as well.  Bipolars need at least 500mg of EPA a day (according to my aunt who is a mental health dietician or something).  Look for extra high strength.

2. Write a list of emergency numbers and stick it to a wall. Write out another copy for a housemate, partner, family or anyone you see regularly.

3.  Watch out for early warning signs:
  -  vivid dreams
  -  sleeping longer
  -  losing interest in things

4.  Make sure other people know what your early warning signs are so they can respond appropriately.

5.  Write a list of the good things in your life and reasons to leave.  Do not do this whilst depressed, it’ll only make it worse.

6.  Keep a mood chart in order to identify patterns.  Psychiatrists like to see these as it helps them to assess your patterns, so take them with you to appointments.

7.  Write a list of nice things to do, like having a long bath, watching a film with friends and so on.  Put the list with the list of phone numbers and mood charts.  This makes it harder to lose things.

8.  Keep your appointments with your psychiatrist/therapist/support worker/CPN.  This helps them to monitor you mood and make sure you get the right cocktail.  It also helps you to evaluate your mood from a slightly more objective perspective.  If you don’t feel like going, force yourself.  Seriously, they’re there to help you, not for their own amusement.  They’re not out to get you.

9. Keep your melatonin levels stable.  This can be achieved through:
  -  Sunlight
  -  Regular sleep patterns

10.  TAKE THE PILLS!!

Lies about where I’ve been, what I’ve done, how much things cost, did I eat, am I hypomanic?  No, no, no I’m fine.  I bit bouncy perhaps.  Yes I know I say that every time, but this time I mean it.  It’s not like I’m out of control and I’m perfectly safe to drive and I can concentrate on the road…  Just not on the road and the speed limit.  What’s wrong with having music up loud?  What’s wrong with this music?  It’s a conceptual album it’s SUPPOSED to sound like that.  Isn’t it funny how time seems to fast forward sometimes.  Even when you’re looking at a clock or a watch or the timer bar on windows media player.

Ok, so I’m a little garrulous (new favourite word, along with epic).  This is the view from my bedroom window.

The little hump of trees was surrounded by little wispy clouds.  Combined with a reddish sunrise, it looked like a volcano.  A very pretty and safe volcano.

Today I have done millions of sudokus in an attempt to keep calm, cooked lots of cakes, gone shopping and played with the cats a lot.  I am beginning to get what I’ve heard referred to as ‘visual disturbances’.  Like a ca running past, things floating in the air and disappearing when you look properly, tripping over nothing, more floaty things and so on.  Later I intend to drive, so this had better stop.  I suppose I’m going to have to focus a little more too.  Focus, focus, FOCUS!!  I’m not hearing voices, I’m not hearing music, I’m not manic.

I have a ‘toolbox’.  It’s really a notebook.  Full of things like “Things to do whilst manic”, “How to calm down” and “What to do if I’m getting depressed”.  I’m thinking I may post them.  Would they be useful?

I have hit a small snag.  I think I am embarking on a manic episode.  I’m talking fast, thinking fast and people are telling me I’m hyper.  Half of me is trying to nip it in the bud, but underneath it all I want this.  I’m still half in love with manic depression.  The ever-wise Gabriel says that we need to get angry at the ‘disease’.  I don’t see it as a disease.  It’s still a part of me, so I suppose I should attempt to separate my personality from the behaviours I am forced to carry out by my moods.  I have no idea where to start, how to start or what I’m looking for.  I don’t want to end up wallowing around trying to analyse myself and end up lost in a puddle of self loathing and pity.

I haven’t been up in a while.  I hadn’t realised quite how down I’d been feeling.  Now it’s lifted I can look back on it, realise what I did wrong and what I should have done.  People always tell me to talk to them, but I’d got so low that I didn’t want to see anyone let alone talk to them.  I always have this overwhelming feeling that there isn’t actually anything wrong.  I’ve said it before; my life is perfect.  Or as close to perfect as you can get without getting bored.  Except for the bipolar of course.

Anyways, I have a thousand projects on the go.  I’ll write more soon.